You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: it’s also the flinch. Your personality is not set in stone. You may think a morning coffee is the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it’s really just a habit. Thirty days without it, and you would be fine. You think you have a soul mate, but in fact you could have had any number of spouses. You would have evolved differently, but been just as happy.
You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, who gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper than just preferences, and these details on the surface, you can change anytime you like.
If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes, it’s the only way.
Set fire to your old self. It’s not needed here. It’s too busy shopping, gossiping about others, and watching days go by and asking why you haven’t gotten as far as you’d like. This old self will die and be forgotten by all but family, and replaced by someone who makes a difference.
Your new self is not like that. Your new self is the Great Chicago Fire—overwhelming, overpowering, and destroying everything that isn’t necessary.
“13 things my uncle told me before he died:
not everyone has the blessing to understand sadness
when waiting at the bus stop, it’s okay to smoke cigarettes
never touch anyone else’s clothes at the laundromat
it’s okay to miss the people who were bullets to you
when your grandmother asks you how you are, be honest
never be afraid to say “no” even after you’ve said “yes”
if someone tells you graffiti isn’t art, prove them wrong
remember people by their eye color not their clothes
you’re allowed to like dark chocolate with tangerines
don’t lie that you don’t have a lighter when you really do
turn your phone off every once in a while and find the moon
if you want a tattoo, don’t let anyone tell you not to get it
if you ever find yourself at the graveyard, read the names”—poems from my uncles grave (via truples)
“Read that book, wake up early in the morning and go for that run to start off your day. Buy the nicest underwear and wear it to boost your mood. Eat as clean as possible because you’ll feel so much better but treat yourself as well. Be kind to everyone. Go out to a cafe and watch people walk buy as you sip your coffee. Compliment that stranger! Start a conversation with that person on the bus. Read a book about food, about astronomy, learn a new language. Watch the sunrise. Get away for a weekend. Introduce yourself. Do yoga and go on a hike. Lay on the beach under the stars and have a dnm with your best friend. Dance around and sing at the top of yours lungs at that festival. Life is meant to be lived, not controlled.”—Unknown (via electricprism)
When you are hurting, there will always be people who find a way to make it about themselves. If you break your wrist, they’ll complain about a sprained ankle. If you are sad, they’re sadder. If you’re asking for help, they’ll demand more attention.
Here is a fact: I was in a hospital and sobbing into my palms when a woman approached me and asked why I was making so much noise and I managed to stutter that my best friend shot himself in the head and now he was 100% certified dead and she made this little grunt and had the nerve to tell me, “Well now you made me sad.”
When you get angry, there are going to be people who ask you to shut up and sit down, and they’re not going to do it nicely. Theirs are the faces that turn bright red before you have a chance to finish your sentence. They won’t ask you to explain yourself. They’ll be mad that you’re mad and that will be their whole reason alone.
Here is a fact: I was in an alleyway a few weeks ago, stroking my friend’s back as she vomited fourteen tequila shots. “I hate men,” she wheezed as her sides heaved, “I hate all of them.”
I braided her hair so it wouldn’t get caught in the mess. I didn’t correct her and reply that she does in fact love her father and her little brother too, that there are strangers she has yet to meet that will be better for her than any of her shitty ex-boyfriends, that half of our group of friends identifies as male - I could hear each of her bruises in those words and I didn’t ask her to soften the blow when she was trying to buff them out of her skin. She doesn’t hate all men. She never did.
She had the misfortune to be overheard by a drunk guy in an ill-fitting suit, a boy trying to look like a man and leering down my dress as he stormed towards us. “Fuck you, lady,” he said, “Fuck you. Not all men are evil, you know.”
“Thanks,” I told him dryly, pulling on her hand, trying to get her inside again, “See you.”
He followed us. Wouldn’t stop shouting. How dare she get mad. How dare she was hurting. “It’s hard for me too!” he yowled after us. “With fuckers like you, how’s a guy supposed to live?”
Here’s a fact: my father is Cuban and my genes repeat his. Once one of my teachers looked at my heritage and said, “Your skin doesn’t look dirty enough to be a Mexican.”
When my cheeks grew pink and my tongue dried up, someone else in the classroom stood up. “You can’t say that,” he said, “That’s fucking racist. We could report you for that.”
Our teacher turned vicious. “You wanna fail this class? Go ahead. Report me. I was joking. It’s my word against yours. I hate kids like you. You think you’ve got all the power - you don’t. I do.”
Later that kid and I became close friends and we skipped class to do anything else and the two of us were lying on our backs staring up at the sky and as we talked about that moment, he sighed, “I hate white people.” His girlfriend is white and so is his mom. I reached out until my fingers were resting in the warmth of his palm.
He spoke up each time our teacher said something shitty. He failed the class. I stayed silent. I got the A but I wish that I didn’t.
Here is a fact: I think gender is a social construct and people that want to tell others what defines it just haven’t done their homework. I personally happen to have the luck of the draw and am the same gender as my sex, which basically just means society leaves me alone about this one particular thing.
Until I met Alex, who said he hated cis people. My throat closed up. I’m not good at confrontation. I avoided him because I didn’t want to bother him.
One day I was going on a walk and I found him behind our school, bleeding out of the side of his mouth. The only thing I really know is how to patch people up. He winced when the antibacterial cream went across his new wounds. “I hate cis people,” he said weakly.
I looked at him and pushed his hair back from his head. “I understand why you do.”
Here is a fact: anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is how people stop themselves from hurting. Anger is how people stop themselves by empathizing.
It is easy for the drunken man to be mad at my friend. If he says “Hey, fuck you, lady,” he doesn’t have to worry about what’s so wrong about men.
It’s easy for my teacher to fail the kids who speak up. If we’re just smart-ass students, it’s not his fault we fuck up.
It’s easy for me to hate Alex for labeling me as dangerous when I’ve never hurt someone a day in my life. But I’m safe in my skin and his life is at risk just by going to the bathroom. I understand why he says things like that. I finally do.
There’s a difference between the spread of hatred and the frustration of people who are hurting. The thing is, when you are broken, there will always be someone who says “I’m worse, stop talking.” There will always be people who are mad you’re trying to steal the attention. There will always be people who get mad at the same time as you do - they hate being challenged. It changes the rules.
I say I hate all Mondays but my sister was born on one and she’s the greatest joy I have ever known. I say I hate brown but it’s really just the word and how it turns your mouth down - the colour is my hair and my eyes and my favorite sweater. I say I hate pineapple but I still try it again every Easter, just to see if it stings less this year. It’s okay to be sad when you hear someone generalize a group you’re in. But instead of assuming they’re evil and filled with hatred, maybe ask them why they think that way - who knows, you might just end up with a new and kind friend.
”—By telling the oppressed that their anger is unjustified, you allow the oppression to continue. I know it’s hard to stay calm. I know it’s scary. But you’re coming from the safe place and they aren’t. Just please … Try to be more understanding. /// r.i.d (via inkskinned)
1) Stop falling in love with the boy next to you in class that gives you attention. I know he has captivating eyes and a smile full of potential and hair made of the sun, but it won’t be worth it in the end. You’ll thank yourself later.
2) Do not try to listen to happy, upbeat music when you are crying and alone late at night. It will only make you feel lonelier. Learn to embrace the sad music and only then should you wipe away your tears.
3) When your heart feels too heavy, tie balloons of good things to it. Count them as you tie the knots and keep counting until they help pick up the barely-beating organ off the ground.
4) During those moments when you see your former best friends in the hallway, do not sneak away. Do not avoid them. Do not ignore them even though they did the same to you. Square your shoulders and fix your million dollar smile on your face. Talk to your new, better friends. Flip your hair over your shoulders. Be confident.
5) When everything disappears in the room except for one person and you can start to feel your lives connect in a second of eye contact that seems to last an eternity, trust your instincts.
6) The day you see a young yet frazzled mother of three giggly children while you sit in your car, get out. Offer to help get her groceries in her car. Return the cart and wave good-bye to the kids fighting over the front seat.
7) Do not hold grudges against those who did you wrong.
8) When someone spills water all over your work, do not get mad. Instead, help them clean up the mess and start it over. Assure them it’s fine and make jokes. This is how you can make a lifelong friend and a good story.
9) Put flowers on random gravestones and tell the souls beneath that they are loved, if only for a moment.
A boy sprawled next to me on the bus, elbows out, knee pointing sharp into my thigh.
He frowned at me when I uncrossed my legs, unfolded my hands
and splayed out like boys are taught to: all big, loose limbs.
I made sure to jab him in the side with my pretty little sharp purse.
At first he opened his mouth like I expected him to, but instead of speaking up he sat there, quiet, and took it for the whole bus ride.
Like a girl.
Once, a boy said my anger was cute, and he laughed,
and I remember thinking that I should sit there and take it,
because it isn’t ladylike to cause a scene and girls aren’t supposed to raise their voices.
But then he laughed again and all I saw
was my pretty little sharp nails digging into his cheek
before drawing back and making a horribly unladylike fist.
(my teacher informed me later that there is no ladylike way of making a fist.)
When we were both in the principal’s office twenty minutes later
him with a bloody mouth and cheek, me with skinned knuckles,
I tried to explain in words that I didn’t have yet
that I was tired of having my emotions not taken seriously
just because I’m a girl.
Girls are taught: be small, so boys can be big.
Don’t take up any more space than absolutely necessary.
Be small and smooth with soft edges
and hold in the howling when they touch you and it hurts:
the sandpaper scrape of their body hair that we would be shamed for having,
the greedy hands that press too hard and too often take without asking permission.
Girls are taught: be quiet and unimposing and oh so small
when they heckle you with their big voices from the window of a car,
because it’s rude to scream curse words back at them, and they’d just laugh anyway.
We’re taught to pin on smiles for the boys who jeer at us on the street
who see us as convenient bodies instead of people.
Girls are taught: hush, be hairless and small and soft,
so we sit there and take it and hold in the howling,
pretend to be obedient lapdogs instead of the wolves we are.
We pin pretty little sharp smiles on our faces instead of opening our mouths,
because if we do we get accused of silly women emotions
blowing everything out of proportion with our PMS, we get
condescending pet names and not-so-discreet eyerolls.
Once, I got told I punched like a girl.
I told him, Good. I hope my pretty little sharp rings leave scars.
”—'My Perfume Doubles As Mace,' theappleppielifestyle. (via queenofeden)
if you want a nice body, go get it. if you want to become a lawyer, study your ass off. if you want nice hair, pick a style and get it done. stop being afraid and motivate yourself. find yourself. find your happiness, because it’s out there waiting for you.
1. Do not kill yourself. Killing yourself is very messy and your mother will cry over you. It is not beautiful or brave, and even if it was, you will not be around to see that.
2. Washing your hair is going to be a chore. But you should do it anyway. Because you will feel better about yourself.
3. Get up late. Have a lay in. Sleep past your alarm. You have a very long life ahead of you and for now you should appreciate the cold side of your pillow.
4. He is going to break your heart but he’s just another male human who finds it hard to deal with Mondays, too. So in a month you’ll wake up and you won’t even remember that little scar on his knuckle you kissed.
5. Don’t spend hours looking up what your name means on google. Your name is your name and you should go out there and do heroic and good deeds and give your name your own meaning.
6. Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.
7. Music is good for your soul. Rap music will energise you and boost your ego and pop music will cheer you up. Indie music will make you think and emotional songs will make you cry and think about that boy again. It’s healthy.
8. Victim complexes are not attractive. Boys and girls will not date you because you are sad. They are not going to date you and kiss your aching bones and cure you of your dragging depression. Wake up. Take a bath. Do your hair. Be attractive.
9. Sadness is not poetic. Depression is not beautiful. Laying in bed all day and eating too much is lazy and disgusting and it is not tragic or pretty. Get up. Go outside. Let the sun warm your bones. Live.
10. If it makes you happy, buy twenty of it. Dedicate your life to it. Print it on tv shirts and collect things and draw art of it. Do not care what people think. They are the unhappy people you need to avoid. The abuse they will hurl at you is painless compared to how sad they are. Pity them. Remain happy.
11. You are allowed to he angry. But the world is not working against you. The flowers do not bloom for you and when your mother shouts ask her if she is okay instead of thinking she hates you. She never will. The world walks beside you and is silent. It does not trip you up or carry you.
12. Day and night cycles are natural. Humans only sleep at night because we used to avoid predators in the dark because of our poor eyesight. Stay awake until 5am watching bad reality shows. Wake up at 7pm and have breakfast.
13. Eat when you are hungry. Being bored does not constitute a chocolate bar. Sleep with you are tired. Do not mindlessly obey the sleep at night rule. If you are not tired, do not sleep.
didn’t get to do the tap out thing this morning but might be able to start it tonight. i have eaten avocado and a peach, and i drank only water. i am going to weigh myself later. i tryed giving myself red highlights but it doesnt look like it worked:(
tommrow me and my mom are going to start this workout video called tap out. its suppose to do wonders! also i am on a all veggie/fruit & only water diet. Im going to start my weigh in tommrow morning and i will do the day counting thing again. hopefully i can reach 100 pounds by the start of school. if i am not near it like 2 weeks before school no more eating! also i am going to start going to the gym again when i am cleared to drive, since i am on pain killers.
i ate today. i know fatass. but tommrow it will be gym starve all day also sunday. then monday i go to new york so no eating from then to thursday when i get back. then friday i get my wisdom teeth out so no eating then for 3-5 days.. just drinking yay! i really love when my mouth hurts:)
today I failed myself. I told myself to eat today the you won’t eat for a week. whatever that was the last time I am ever talking myself into eating. I’m not going to bother to weigh myself today. I go to new york Monday so I won’t eat then and we get back Thursday then Friday I get my wisdom teeth out so I won’t have to eat for 3-5 days! yippie so if I start over tommrow that will be 10-12 days without eating! then I’m gonna start going to the gym and not eating when I feel better! I’m excited!:)
140, i couldn’t believe it. i haven’t been this weight in almost a year. it was very depressing, but it did open my eyes to what i want and how to get it. this time is for real. no more giving up, no more saying i will start tommrow. this is it. this is the day my life will change forever. i plan on losing 60 pounds. because that is what will make me happy. and i plan on doing it in less then 3 months. i am gonna starve myself. and it will work i have done it before. i did only lose 10 pounds, but it did only take 5 days. i also didnt workout last time i did it, and i am going to workout this time. 7 times a week, 3 hours a day. and if i cant go for 3 hours, then at least 1 hour. no matter what. and i had a realization today. food is actually quite disgusting when you think about it. it has never done anything for me execpt cause me to gain weight, breakout, loose hope, and make me depressed. so goodbye food. this is my parting to you. i can’t and won’t ever be there for you again.( yes i will eat when it is ABSOULTLY necessary, but other then that, no. ) my goal weight is 80 pounds. i am 5’3” so that is a common weight for my height. when i reach it i am going to eat only fruits and veggies, and only water from now on till i die. i want to be at least 100 pounds by the time school starts, which is in 47 days. my parents might get suspicous but i think i can throw them off. also i am going to new york with only my mom next week and she will be too busy to notice i am not eating. then on the 20 i am getting my wisdom teeth out so for 3-5 days i wont even be able to eat! so yay for that! then when school starts i can bring a lunch and throw it away! easy as that…
well hopefully it works out! i am gonna blog my workout and weigh in every day.
havent written anything in awhile but I starved myself Saturday and Sunday last weekend then ate Monday-Thursday and didn’t eat yesterday and haven’t eaten anything today. I hope I can continue to starve on.
okay. so i ate like you wouldn’t believe today. i can’t even say what all i ate. it’s so stupid. well i’m staying up all night to burn off a few extra calories. then i am getting up early and going for a run. then i am not eating for the next two weeks!
i hate myself but i’m staying up all night to burn off some extra calories. also i am starting my only water diet today. which my be a little hard because it’s my sisters birthday and we have to go out to eat. but i will just say that i don’t feel good or something..
i had been starving myself for 2 days. and today was day 3. but my parents made me go to eat and i went crazy. so i probablly gained back everything i lost. but i still have the whole summer to not eat. so yeah.